Day: August 29, 2024

Rants – Why I Oughta!

You never know when an exercise will jump off the page and become a viable, palpable tool. But when it does…wow. You feel like you struck oil!

Years ago, I learned an exercise about ranting. You know what a rant is. It’s when you are so angry that you start to jump up and down, feel it in your stomach, and (sorry to say) use language that your grandmother would not appreciate. And all the yelling!

The exercise is done in pairs, and one person is asked to Rant at the other about a real subject that makes them angry for 90 seconds. The person being ranted at just listens. Then, they switch roles. After both people have ranted and listened to (The listening part is vital), the pair joins the whole group, and each person introduces their partner using this script:  “This is my friend Terry, and what I’ve learned about Terry is that________.” You must say only positive things you learned from the negative rant. You look for the values beneath the rant. For example, this person cares about his family, or justice and fairness really matter to her. The subject of the rant is never mentioned. All that negative energy is transformed into what the person truly cares about.

So, I learned how to play this “game, and I went back to my real life.  Sitting down at my computer and opening my email, I opened one from a colleague, and it was truly a rant! A rant with many sentences in ALL CAPS. My first response was to hit my keys hard and rant right back. But then I stopped short. I decided to play the game I just learned. I looked for what my colleague cared about – the values beneath the rant.  I wrote, “Dear (Colleague), I can tell how deeply you care about your job, how much pride you take in it, and how important it is to you. All this makes you a great asset,”…..etc.

And I hit SEND.

Almost immediately, another email came back from my colleague, saying, “I think I hit the send key too soon. I apologize for the tone of my message. Thanks for understanding, and I look forward to discussing this with you at greater length.”

IT WORKED! The fire of the rant was extinguished, and my colleague felt heard, affirmed, and appreciated for who they were.

Listen beneath the rant. Listen! They wouldn’t be ranting if they didn’t care so much.

Oh, these games. We’re talking about some serious play here. And Exact Communication is the place to practice. Come RANT with us just because you care.

How Minds Change – A Review

This month, we are focusing on Challenging Conversations. In our Navigating Challenging Conversations workshop, we take you through the experience of working through conversations that are at an impasse to practice finding common ground, listening actively, and noticing your own biases—all very important steps to making a much-needed connection. But first, we want to share a resource that greatly impacted us.

Review of How Minds Change

When my brother-in-law George was in hospice, I would visit with him often. One day, when I entered his room, he was reading “How Minds Change: The Surprising Science of Belief, Opinion, and Persuasion” by David McRaney. I commented that this book looked interesting, and he told me it was. He said a friend gave it to him, and he was beginning to read it, and so far, he liked it. We spoke about it briefly, and as a communication coach, I was interested in learning more. Sadly, George never finished the book, but after he passed, his wife, my husband’s sister, asked me if I would like it.  I told her yes and took the book home.

“How Minds Change” is a fascinating look at the science behind what we believe and why we sometimes hold onto these beliefs for dear life. McRaney begins by sharing a story about Charlie Veitch, a well-known conspiracy theorist and a Truther who changed his mind. This sets up the rest of the book. While most conspiracy theorists never change their minds, no matter how many facts and science they are presented with, Charlie Veitch changes his mind. How did that happen?

Throughout “How Minds Change,” McRaney takes readers on a journey through his encounters with a diverse range of experts, including scientists, psychologists, neuroscientists, activists, cult members, and conspiracy theorists. These interactions provide a credible and insightful exploration of what it takes to alter a person’s beliefs. McRaney shares intriguing research and compelling real-life stories that shed light on the inner workings of our brains and minds, our steadfast attachment to our beliefs, and the strategies for inducing belief change and persuasion.

What impacted me most was learning that you cannot change people’s minds with facts and alternative ideas; you need understanding and empathy. You must find common ground, listen, and share your own stories.  And, of course, all this takes time and considerable effort. The book is excellent and a must-read for anyone frustrated by the lack of conversation and dialogue in today’s environment.

At Exact Communication, we teach a Navigating Challenging Conversations workshop. In this workshop, participants learn how to recognize and connect through shared values and practice compassionate listening. The improv exercises help them find common ground and learn to reflect on what their conversation partners say. They practice having conversations where they discover that taking care of their conversation partner is their key goal in any conversation.

“How Minds Change” is excellent for understanding the concepts behind challenging conversations and approaches experts have found to help reestablish connection and trust. But, without putting these ideas and strategies into actual practice in a safe scenario, without going through the experience of feeling defensive, acknowledging your biases, and really hearing what the other person is saying and why, they remain theoretical and not integrated as a habit of mind. These approaches are more complex than you think and must be practiced. This is why we teach the Navigating Challenging Conversations workshop.