Graduate school is tough enough. Classes, papers, research. Sometimes you feel like you’re hanging on by your fingernails. The last thing you need is a complicated relationship with your advisor.
For a grad student, one of your most important relationships is with your faculty advisor. This relationship shapes a student’s career while in school and is often key to the student’s future success. Suppose a student has a supportive and positive relationship with their advisor and is truly mentored by them. In that case, the student gains confidence, experiences effective leadership, and gains an ally for their professional future. That’s the way it should work.
However, the student-advisor relationship is often marred by poor communication and misunderstood expectations. It’s not good, but it is understandable. The students and the professors who serve as advisors have lots on their plates. And let’s be honest. There is a power dynamic between a student and mentor that can be pretty daunting. Overcoming or working within that dynamic can make a huge difference in building a mutually beneficial, productive, and professional relationship. Grad students need the guidance and experience their mentors provide, and advisors take pride in their students’ successes and academic achievements.
Communication is key! Wherever your relationship stands, you can level the power dynamic with some strategies that are easy to learn and, with practice, can become part of your “communication toolbox.”
We are thrilled to work with the stellar graduate students at New York University’s Tandon School of Engineering to help them learn new approaches to building a successful relationship with their advisors. Through Exact’s mix of improvisation exercises and facilitated discussions, we’ve developed some strategies the students have found especially useful. These include:
Approach the relationship as a collaboration: you both benefit when the relationship works, and you both need the other to achieve goals.
Clarify the goal for each interaction with your advisor and present your needs clearly
Understand and address your mentor’s needs and priorities
Make sure your mentor knows that they have been heard
Find confidence in what you know
Try these approaches yourself by setting up a practice session with a friend. See how quickly you can change a daunting relationship into a productive academic partnership.
And contact us at Exact if you’d like to know more about including our Navigating Your Relationship with your Faculty Advisor workshop in your academic program. We’d love to hear from you.
I’m getting used to talking myself down. This is the pattern my life is following during these tumultuous times. I’m an optimist by nature and usually maintain a positive outlook on life, the people in it, and the circumstances I face. However, lately, even if I start the day bright and cheery, all I have to do is pick up my phone, read the headlines, and my cheerful optimism takes a nosedive.
I experience more emotional swings than a kindergartner on a rainy day, and like that kindergartner, I want out. I want all the chaos to end, and I want to go outside and play. Well, not exactly play, but I want to remember what it was like to hear the news without thinking Armageddon. I want to chat with family, friends, and neighbors without concern that I may accidentally venture into Thou Shalt Not Mention areas. Can one be happy in this environment?
Yes, I believe one can. But it takes some self-awareness and action. Self-awareness means that I must become aware when slipping from my calm self into my chaotic self. When I catch myself feeling anger, fear, or anxiety, I pause, breathe, and identify where in my body I feel the emotion. This conscious awareness and breath calm me down. The negative emotions dissipate when I sense where they reside in my body and breathe into them. This gives me enough awareness and attention to be more objective, and I feel better afterward.
This addresses my emotional reactions; however, the situation that caused them remains. But I am not powerless. I can become active. I can do something. I have discovered that doing something, unlike nothing, makes me feel better. So, I make calls, go to rallies, write postcards, talk to like-minded people, and occasionally put on some Motown and dance in my living room. And you know what it feels like?
Recess.
That beautiful space between happy and a #@% wreck.
A Presidential Action has just made English the “official language” of the United States. Here is a snippet from the proclamation:
“To promote unity, cultivate a shared American culture for all citizens, ensure consistency in government operations, and create a pathway to civic engagement, it is in America’s best interest for the Federal Government to designate one — and only one — official language. Establishing English as the official language will not only streamline communication but also reinforce shared national values and create a more cohesive and efficient society.”
Regardless of how you feel about this new proclamation, it’s evident that even those of us who speak English aren’t speaking the same language. We aren’t communicating effectively. We aren’t coming from the same place. We don’t see eye to eye. There is a significant divide, and insisting that we all use the same language will not foster a “more cohesive and efficient society.” Only connection and communication can achieve that. And that is a choice we each make: are we willing to put in the effort—it’s a hefty one—to communicate with one another?
This is personal for me. Members of my English-speaking family communicate in a language I do not recognize. They might as well be speaking Chinese, Hindi, or Zulu. They have a completely different perspective on what is happening that I cannot understand. It is so different that I wonder if we truly share the same DNA. We do not share the same values. I believe we used to, but now we do not, and this has left me feeling not only confused but also hurt. This is happening all over the country. Even though we are speaking English, we are not speaking the same language; we are not a cohesive and efficient society. How could we be with this level of misunderstanding?
I recognize what I need to do. I teach connection and communication. I understand how to listen, ask questions, and engage in dialogue. The real question is: Am I willing to do this? Am I willing to invest the time? Am I willing to move closer instead of further away? Can I communicate with those who are unwilling to listen? I don’t think so. But what if they are willing? What if we can engage in dialogue? This does not mean that we have to come to any kind of agreement. It means we seek to understand each other. Honestly, I haven’t made the effort, and my attempts haven’t been grounded in sincerity and patience. I have already assumed that they are wrong, and I am right. That leaves us at an impasse with no way forward. This doesn’t feel good; it feels awful.
So, I am choosing to try, at least with those I care about. I will seek understanding. I will listen. I will engage in dialogue. I will search for shared values; there must be some. I will not try to change their minds, but I will listen for ways to connect, and this will only happen if I refuse to back away. It will only occur if I move closer. I hope I have the courage to do so.
Two years ago, almost to the day, my husband and I relocated from New Jersey to Colorado. The idea of starting fresh in a new community felt overwhelming. How would we make new friends? How would we navigate the intricacies of life in a different state? How would we locate the nearest COSTCO?
We had left friends and family back on the East Coast and missed them. We had no one to call when we needed help with our new home. David is a musician, and now he has no one to jam with. I have left my yoga ladies, meditation group, and, oh yeah, my Exact team, most of whom live in New York City. We didn’t even know the best places to call for takeout. We were hungry in more ways than one; we were hungry for community.
The truth is, we all hunger for community. I didn’t realize this until it was missing when I lacked someone to call, a friend to hang out with, and a sense of belonging in my new city. Community provides us with opportunities, inspiration, and resources. I quickly understood that we needed more than just our spectacular view of the mountains; we needed people.
Fortunately, we have a dog that needs walking. We also live near Boulder, possibly the most dog-friendly city in the country. Before long, we began meeting people at the dog park—individuals who made us feel comfortable in our new community by offering information, advice, and directions to the nearest Costco. Soon, we started forming friendships. David met musicians, while I discovered a Tai Chi class. We both developed new relationships. We began to feel a sense of belonging and well-being. We were going to be okay.
Don’t underestimate the importance of community. We cannot thrive without it. We cannot heal without it. We cannot make sense of life without it. Yes, it’s that significant. Just sayin’.
Imagine stepping into a room where fifteen people are waiting to hear you pitch your idea. You’ve done your work, researched your audience, and know your topic inside and out. You have a strong goal for how you would like your audience to respond. So now all you have to do is connect with them.
Let’s leave the room for a second …
What does it feel like to watch someone speak about a topic they are excited about? Their face lights up. They communicate with emotion and confidence. They are engaged and engaging. Their energy is infectious. They are speaking with passion.
Passion is the key. When someone is passionate, we connect with them. Their passion does not have to be loud or over the top; it just has to be engaged, and we are right there with them. We catch the speaker’s enthusiasm. Watching, we find ourselves wanting to know more and leaning toward the speaker, nodding, and smiling.
So, how does this relate to a pitch—an appeal to someone for something that would benefit you both? It could be a pitch for a job, funding, collaboration, or product, but a pitch, a good pitch demands passion. If you have ever sat through a pitch that lacked it, you know exactly what we mean. A pitch without passion lacks the confidence to get your audience to want to be involved.
How do you find that passion? It’s easier than you think. Chances are, if you are working hard on something and want or need to share it with someone else, you have passion for that topic. It drives your work, and you are excited about sharing it. Direct that passion toward your audience by helping them understand why you are passionate about the topic. Why is it interesting? Why should they care about this topic? What’s in it for them? How will this information impact them? This makes your pitch confident, engaging, and exciting because your passion brings the audience to you, and together, you are changed in some way.
Ever wonder how some stories make it to the headlines while others fade into obscurity? As a former broadcast journalist and executive turned media trainer, I’ll let you in on a secret: it’s all in the pitch.
Think of a media pitch like a first date. You’ve got one shot to make a great impression, and nobody wants to hear your life story right away. Your pitch needs to be short, intriguing, and leave them wanting more.
Here’s how to play what I call “The Media GAME” – a foolproof approach to getting journalists to notice your story.
First, nail down your **Goal**. What do you want people to think, feel, or do after they see your story? Maybe you’re launching a revolutionary app that helps seniors connect with their grandkids, or you’ve discovered a surprising trend in local business. Whatever it is, be crystal clear about your endgame.
Next, know your **Audience** – and I don’t just mean the journalist. Sure, you need to know if you’re pitching to a tech reporter or a lifestyle editor, but you also need to understand their audience. Why should their readers or viewers care about your story? If you can’t answer that in one compelling sentence, keep working on it.
Now for your **Message**. This isn’t just what your story is about – it’s about finding its heart. Are you the first? The biggest? The most unexpected? Maybe you’re solving a problem nobody else has tackled. Whatever it is, make it snappy and make it count.
Finally, think **Engagement**. This is where most pitches fall flat. Journalists don’t want just facts – they want stories that pop. Give them surprising statistics, compelling characters, or stunning visuals. Tell them about the 85-year-old grandmother who’s using your app to teach coding to her grandkids across the country. That’s a story people will remember.
But here’s the real kicker: you need to make it ridiculously easy for them to run with your story. Package it like a gift with a bow on top. Offer interview subjects who are ready to talk. Have statistics and fact sheets ready to go. Think about photo or video opportunities. The easier you make their job, the more likely they are to bite.
Remember, before you hit send, ask yourself:
– Is this relevant right now?
– Does it pass the “so what?” test?
– Have I matched my pitch to this specific outlet?
– Did I include something unexpected or surprising?
Most importantly, bring some genuine enthusiasm to your pitch. If you’re not excited about your story, why should they be? Keep it short, make it pop, and always lead with your strongest element. Do this right, and you might just find yourself making headlines sooner than you think.
Now go forth and pitch with confidence – your story deserves to be told.
For October, we are celebrating stories: the ones we read, the ones we tell, and the ones we have loved forever. We thought it might be fun for each of our coaches to share a story that they love. And you will find them below. Enjoy.
Rumpelstiltskin – Terry Greiss
Rumpelstiltskin is the story of a “little man” who helps the daughter of a miller who has boasted to the king that his daughter can spin straw into gold. She can’t, of course, but Rumple can. He appears to her three times, and he asks for payment each time. The third time, she has nothing to give, so he asks for her firstborn child. She agrees. When he comes to collect, she refuses and begs him not to take the child. He tells her she can keep the child if she can guess his name.
It is very likely that no one has ever known Rumpelstiltskin’s name. What must that be like? He is alone and friendless. It is interesting to me that he places such high value on the girl, and later the Queen discovering and saying his name. It also seems very clear that Rumpelstiltskin is the one in the story who values life most. The miller basically uses his daughter for bragging rights and gives her to the king. The daughter is highly transactional. She wants the job done. Her necklace, ring, and child are all “things” to barter with so she doesn’t die and can become queen. Since she doesn’t have a child, it is all abstract to her, and she can make this promise to get through this moment. Rumpelstiltskin is a lonely little fella, living by himself in the forest, who wants someone to love and to love him. A child. When he is tricked out of it, he cannot go on. There’s no reason to go on living. He kept his word. The queen outfoxed him.
Instead of being the creepy and evil antagonist of the story, my reading is that he is the most compassionate, the most vulnerable, and the most human character in the story.
Why Marcy McGinnis Loves, The Soul of an Octopus
I was absolutely enthralled by “The Soul of an Octopus” by Sy Montgomery. Her vivid writing transported me into the mysterious world of these incredible creatures, challenging everything I thought I knew about animal intelligence. I found myself forming unexpected emotional connections with the individual octopuses Montgomery introduced, chuckling at their antics and marveling at their problem-solving abilities. The description of two octopuses hugging each other with their combined 16 arms, and changing colors based on their excitement while mating was so vivid in its imagery that I ran to YouTube for video confirmation. The book’s blend of personal narrative and scientific insight opened my eyes to the complexity of marine life and made me want to learn more about all the wonderful creatures that live in our oceans. And oh, by the way, read this book and you’ll never order octopus in a restaurant again!
Lord of the Rings – Carol Schindler
My favorite story is The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien. I have read these three volumes many times and even read them out loud once. These books are classic books about the fight between good and evil. They are filled with heroic men, women, elves, and dwarfs who band together to fight for the survival of Middle Earth against an evil Wizard. My favorite character is Frodo, a humble hobbit who is asked to take the one remaining Ring of Power into the terrifying stronghold of evil and destroy it by throwing it into the volcanic fire in the Mountain of Doom, where it was forged.
This was considered an impossible task, but it was the last hope for Middle Earth. When asked to take the ring to Mt Doom, Frodo replied, “I will take the ring, although I do not know the way.” This line has stayed with me. It is filled with humility, courage, and hope. It helped me realize that things that matter are worth the journey, even if the way is filled with uncertainty. It was a message that went straight to my heart.
I often think of Frodo when faced with the inexplicable and impossible. That is the thing about stories; they inspire, guide, and help us live better lives and to make better choices. And it does not matter if they are fictional or actual stories of people living extraordinary lives. I have not faced any evil wizards in my life, but I have been asked to do things that seem beyond me, and remembering these stories gives me the courage to carry on. I will take this path, although I do not know the way.
The Paper Bag Princess – Temis Taylor
One of my favorite children’s stories is one I read to my daughter often when she was young, The Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch and illustrated by Michael Martchenko. I love this story because it breaks with the traditional narrative of a princess needing rescue. Princess Elizabeth takes matters into her own hands, outwits the dragon, and designs her own escape to return home wearing a paper bag rather than gowns and jewels. Elizabeth is clever, inventive, and won’t be bullied – good examples for any child (or adult). Plus, it is a great story for giving the characters fun voices.
Arm In Arm – Carolyn Hall
I started reading at 3 years old and never stopped, so it is nearly impossible to choose just one favorite story … so many from different ages, places, and circumstances come to mind. But one of my go-to gift books is not a traditional story … it is, as the author Remy Charlip calls it, “a collection of connections, endless tales, reiterations, and other echolalia.” In other words, Arm In Arm is a fantastical collection of mini-stories told as much by brilliant illustrations as by brilliantly selective narrations. Selective narrations that are basically stories about telling stories! The reasons I love these is that they are encapsulations of journeys, moods, and interactions. The characters are cats, humans, octopuses, birds, stones, boats, string, snakes, and the pages themselves. They are funny, melancholy, have little life lessons, and can also be nonsensical. But most of all, each mini narrative stretches your mind just a little outside of where it was and leaves you wondering …
Every story I am drawn to re-reading does that. Deacon King Kong by James McBride, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, Kindred by Octavia E. Butler, A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle, The Earthsea Trilogy by Ursula K. Le Guin – to name just a few. They all stretch my mind, startle me with brilliant narration, engage with emotion and characters that take me somewhere unexpected in voices that are strong and perhaps a bit magical. So, if you want a teaser that contains all of that and can spark a small child’s (or big adult’s) imagination … take a walk with Arm In Arm.
Four words. Four words can open up new worlds, provoke imaginations, create bonds between people, and bring great, overwhelming joy. They are words that most of us have spoken over and over again since we can remember speaking at all. They are four of the most powerful words in any language at any time. What are they? Tell Me A Story! From the Brothers Grimm to Hans Christian Anderson, from Dostoyevsky to Maya Angelou, we love to hear and tell stories, and the “market” for stories, great and small, has never and probably will never wane.
Interesting side note: the Grimms never set out to create fairy tales and certainly not childrens’ stories. They were working on an encyclopedia of German spoken language, and to capture the colloquialisms, dialects, and idiosyncrasies that were prevalent throughout the language, they spent years roaming around Germany collecting stories. Before they finished their project though, they ran out of money. All those years were they wasted? “No” said their publisher. “Hey, Brothers, you’ve got a gold mine here. Just publish these as fireside stories for the family”. And they did. These often-dark tales sold like wiener schnitzel and the Grimm’s went down in history. Later on, Disney got hold of them …but that’s a different story.
Through storytelling, we pass on traditions and skills, deal with fears and anxieties, and find “common ground.” Strangers become friends, friends become family, and it all can start with the words TELL ME A STORY
Today, in 2024, we still love great stories. Stories are so key to who we are as human beings that storytelling is used everywhere to inspire, motivate, and entertain. Exact Communication offers a Story workshop called Let’s Talk: Story. In this workshop, you will understand why and how stories move audiences, learn the elements of good storytelling, and prepare and deliver your own stories with feedback from peers and our coaches. And for October, our Story Workshop is 10% off.
You never know when an exercise will jump off the page and become a viable, palpable tool. But when it does…wow. You feel like you struck oil!
Years ago, I learned an exercise about ranting. You know what a rant is. It’s when you are so angry that you start to jump up and down, feel it in your stomach, and (sorry to say) use language that your grandmother would not appreciate. And all the yelling!
The exercise is done in pairs, and one person is asked to Rant at the other about a real subject that makes them angry for 90 seconds. The person being ranted at just listens. Then, they switch roles. After both people have ranted and listened to (The listening part is vital), the pair joins the whole group, and each person introduces their partner using this script: “This is my friend Terry, and what I’ve learned about Terry is that________.” You must say only positive things you learned from the negative rant. You look for the values beneath the rant. For example, this person cares about his family, or justice and fairness really matter to her. The subject of the rant is never mentioned. All that negative energy is transformed into what the person truly cares about.
So, I learned how to play this “game, and I went back to my real life. Sitting down at my computer and opening my email, I opened one from a colleague, and it was truly a rant! A rant with many sentences in ALL CAPS. My first response was to hit my keys hard and rant right back. But then I stopped short. I decided to play the game I just learned. I looked for what my colleague cared about – the values beneath the rant. I wrote, “Dear (Colleague), I can tell how deeply you care about your job, how much pride you take in it, and how important it is to you. All this makes you a great asset,”…..etc.
And I hit SEND.
Almost immediately, another email came back from my colleague, saying, “I think I hit the send key too soon. I apologize for the tone of my message. Thanks for understanding, and I look forward to discussing this with you at greater length.”
IT WORKED! The fire of the rant was extinguished, and my colleague felt heard, affirmed, and appreciated for who they were.
Listen beneath the rant. Listen! They wouldn’t be ranting if they didn’t care so much.
Oh, these games. We’re talking about some serious play here. And Exact Communication is the place to practice. Come RANT with us just because you care.
This month, we are focusing on Challenging Conversations. In our Navigating Challenging Conversations workshop, we take you through the experience of working through conversations that are at an impasse to practice finding common ground, listening actively, and noticing your own biases—all very important steps to making a much-needed connection. But first, we want to share a resource that greatly impacted us.
Review of How Minds Change
When my brother-in-law George was in hospice, I would visit with him often. One day, when I entered his room, he was reading “How Minds Change: The Surprising Science of Belief, Opinion, and Persuasion” by David McRaney. I commented that this book looked interesting, and he told me it was. He said a friend gave it to him, and he was beginning to read it, and so far, he liked it. We spoke about it briefly, and as a communication coach, I was interested in learning more. Sadly, George never finished the book, but after he passed, his wife, my husband’s sister, asked me if I would like it. I told her yes and took the book home.
“How Minds Change” is a fascinating look at the science behind what we believe and why we sometimes hold onto these beliefs for dear life. McRaney begins by sharing a story about Charlie Veitch, a well-known conspiracy theorist and a Truther who changed his mind. This sets up the rest of the book. While most conspiracy theorists never change their minds, no matter how many facts and science they are presented with, Charlie Veitch changes his mind. How did that happen?
Throughout “How Minds Change,” McRaney takes readers on a journey through his encounters with a diverse range of experts, including scientists, psychologists, neuroscientists, activists, cult members, and conspiracy theorists. These interactions provide a credible and insightful exploration of what it takes to alter a person’s beliefs. McRaney shares intriguing research and compelling real-life stories that shed light on the inner workings of our brains and minds, our steadfast attachment to our beliefs, and the strategies for inducing belief change and persuasion.
What impacted me most was learning that you cannot change people’s minds with facts and alternative ideas; you need understanding and empathy. You must find common ground, listen, and share your own stories. And, of course, all this takes time and considerable effort. The book is excellent and a must-read for anyone frustrated by the lack of conversation and dialogue in today’s environment.
At Exact Communication, we teach a Navigating Challenging Conversations workshop. In this workshop, participants learn how to recognize and connect through shared values and practice compassionate listening. The improv exercises help them find common ground and learn to reflect on what their conversation partners say. They practice having conversations where they discover that taking care of their conversation partner is their key goal in any conversation.
“How Minds Change” is excellent for understanding the concepts behind challenging conversations and approaches experts have found to help reestablish connection and trust. But, without putting these ideas and strategies into actual practice in a safe scenario, without going through the experience of feeling defensive, acknowledging your biases, and really hearing what the other person is saying and why, they remain theoretical and not integrated as a habit of mind. These approaches are more complex than you think and must be practiced. This is why we teach the Navigating Challenging Conversations workshop.
