Let’s Talk…
Each month, we focus on one of our workshops. In May, we are focusing on Let’s Talk: Conversation and Connection. I got together with Terry Greiss and Temis Taylor to have our own conversation about conversation.
Carol:
What is it that keeps people from connecting and having authentic conversations?
Terry:
I think it’s fear.
I think connection implies vulnerability, and even if it’s not intimate vulnerability, I think that you need to be opening yourself up in order to connect with somebody else.
And that’s hard these days. We’re afraid of being judged. We’re afraid of being made fun of. Afraid that we’re not interesting enough for somebody to want to connect with us.
Carol:
I also think it’s a time thing. Real connection, authentic connection takes time. You must be consciously aware that you would love to connect with somebody.
And that means you probably have to slow down a bit and be in the present moment. And I don’t think we take the time to do that. We have so many things on our plate these days, I think we speed through and don’t stop to savor connection.
Temis:
I think that our need for efficiency, speed, and productivity also drives us for information. We just want the information out of the person. We don’t want the other stuff around it because that takes time. It’s dehumanizing for everybody, but it’s especially when you’re on a clock and you’re trying to hurry. We feel that sense of urgency and don’t bother putting the work in that it takes to connect.
Terry:
We’re very comfortable in our bubbles. We’re very comfortable talking to people who have the same worldview that we do. And I’m very uncomfortable often with people who hold a different worldview. It takes time and energy to connect with them; sometimes you just don’t want to do battle.
Temis:
It puts us in a place of discomfort.
Carol:
So how can we learn to connect with people with different worldviews? People who have different values, ideas, or political leanings?
Terry:
You enter into the conversation with curiosity and respect, respect for the other person’s intelligence and experience.
I think a lot of people now default to, well, this is my truth or this is my lived experience and they think that’s the bottom line, that ends the conversation for them.
Temis:
I think that’s what I mean by affirmation, that it’s not that you agree with what people are saying, but they are a whole being who is valid in the other’s eyes.
Terry:
I like the word validity. I think we all want to be validated, and I think good conversation and good connection come when we’re no longer thinking about our validation when that’s just assumed. As Alan Alda says, real conversation takes place when both sides are willing to change. When I’m not having a real conversation, it’s because I’ve decided that I’m not going to change my mind.
Carol:
How do our judgments stop us from having a real connection and real conversation?
Can we rise above that and find spontaneity and authenticity in the moment? Is that how we rise above judgment?
Terry:
Maybe recognizing when we’re being judgmental is the first step toward getting beyond it.
Temis:
I want to push on that a little bit. I think we’re always making judgments. It’s what we do with them. If we recognize them and dissect them or we’re critically evaluating them, that’s a different matter than just accepting them as truth.
Carol:
That takes a lot of self-awareness.
Temis:
I think that’s one thing that the “Rant Reflect, Reframe” exercise does. We show people how to get past those initial judgments. You rant, you get the angry person, and then you reflect, This is what I heard you say…this is what I understood from you. But then there is the next step, where one backtracks on the judgment and sees beyond it to a person’s values. It helps us deconstruct it and peel back the layers so we can have some empathy for the person. We discover a way to connect.
Carol:
I want to talk a bit about our workshop, Let’s Talk: Conversation and Connection. Why would someone want to take a class on conversation and connection when we do both every day? What are we teaching here?
Terry:
A great Flamenco guitarist in the 60s was asked why the guitar is so popular.
He answered,” Because it’s the easiest instrument in the world to play badly”.
I think that’s the same thing about conversations. It’s simple to open your mouth and think you’re having a conversation. But conversations need nuance, they need thought, they need time, as you said, and we don’t learn that anymore.
Society doesn’t teach people how to hold two conflicting thoughts in their heads at the same time so that they can work out through conversation or through reflection what they think about it.
Temis:
I think a lot of people hear a discussion or a debate as a negative. It doesn’t even have to be oppositional but just different views, and oh, it hurts, and it’s scary, and I’m shutting down.
Carol:
Yes, yes. In reality, though, real creativity comes from diversity. When you have a group of people who have different opinions and are able to have discussions and hold different ideas without it turning into a fist fight, that’s where creativity, really new ideas, are formed.
Terry:
Yeah, because the end of a conversation should always surprise you.
Carol:
I love that.
Terry:
I thought we were going to be talking about this, and we ended up talking about something entirely different. Isn’t that wonderful? Or I thought you were going to tell me that you believed these things and you told me you believe something else. Or I’ve changed my opinion about this. If you know what the end of the conversation is going to be, why bother having it?
Carol:
Right. Or I have an agenda, I know what I want to discuss and there are times when I have a hard time letting that agenda go to allow something to happen in that moment.
Temis:
Yeah, in fact, one of the things that drives me absolutely bonkers are people who just have the same conversation over and over again.
You know, exactly what’s going to come up, exactly what they’re going to say, and it’s just like, yeah, why?
Carol:
What is the element of surprise? What does that look like? If we are to be surprised in our conversations, what does that imply?
Terry:
Curiosity, openness, and going back to that word judgment, holding back judgment. We may be judging, but hold, understand that perhaps I’m not ready to make the judgment about this conversation yet.
Listening all the way through to the end is really, it demands such presence from us. And conversation, I think it’s physically, emotionally, and mentally difficult or taxing. It’s demanding.
Temis:
It also can be energizing. It’s a full-body experience.
Carol:
That is a great way to say it. Full-body attention is more than just listening. You are focused on the other person.
Temis:
Yes, and also on your own reactions.
When you’re listening to somebody, pay attention to your body because you’re going to have signals that you’re going off the rails, that you’re not going to respond well.
And if you can see those or feel those happening right away, you can go, oh, I need to just have a breath, or I need to watch myself or take a pause.
You’ll feel your body contract, or your fingers will tingle. Sometimes, my ears get hot when things are going badly. Knowing that those are the things that you’re going to feel when you’re going up into a bad headspace can help you do it differently.
Carol:
Yes, if you can be aware of the signals your body is giving you, you can remember to pause and breathe, and this will help calm your nervous system so you can make a better choice.
This conversation could have gone on for hours, as all of us at Exact Communication are passionate about connection and conversation. I’ve given you the highlights of our conversation; if we’ve made you curious about how you can get better at conversation and connection, reach out to us and have…a conversation.