Naomi Feil passed away on December 24th. If you don’t know Naomi Feil, you should. Look her up…right after you read this.
Ms. Feil spent her entire life working with people in advanced stages of dementia. People who seemed like they were locked away from the world. These people were treated as if they were lost. And they were. Or rather, they were there, just waiting to be found. Ms. Feil found them. Instead of following the conventional wisdom of pulling them into our “reality,” she visited them where they were. She communicated with them through the power of touch by serving as their mirror, leading them by letting them lead. She discovered the language they could hear and spoke to them in it, and they responded.
At Exact Communication, our takeaway is that successful communication starts with the idea that It’s always about them, your audience, or your communication partner, not you.
Real connection must work both ways, but it starts with the person we need to reach. The language needed to communicate with another person is theirs, not yours. Listen closely, put the focus on your partner, and they will let you know how to approach them and how to get through, whether you are dealing with a parent, a business partner, or an “adversary.” It’s always about them, so be willing to learn their language and use their vocabulary. When we really communicate, when we really listen, we validate the other person. We may disagree, but they feel understood, and sometimes that’s enough.
The kind of deep listening necessary, especially when the stakes are high, or the beliefs are very different, demands a willingness to (sometimes) give up control and allow yourself to be changed instead of just trying to change.
Thank you, Ms Feil. You persisted against the critics who didn’t understand…probably because they weren’t listening.
I don’t think there is any better way of describing the magic of her work than by watching it:
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Naomi Feil, founder of Validation Therapy, shares a breakthrough moment of communication with Gladys Wilson, a woman who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2000 and is virtually non-verbal. Learn more at www.memorybridge.org.